I know I should "buck it up" and "put it together" and "get on with life."  But right this minute, in this place, I am not strong enough to "let go."  :-(  The sadness is overwhelming.  Let me introduce you to Shela, yep, it is spelled right.  Shela Buice (rhymes with dice) Cook.  At 33 she is a loving mother and wife, an outstanding cook who actually loves to cook.  And an angel on earth, she would give you the shirt off her back and cook you a fine meal to boot.  She played a mean game of cards and took excellent care of everyone she came in contact with.  Last night, sometime in the night, God called her home.  He had other plans for her, I guess.  But I can tell you that I am NOT ready to let her go.

This is not a good picture of her, but it was taken by me at our Worship Conference in Bartlesville last year.  She was our worship team.  She had the voice of an angel and the demeanor of a saint.  I don't think I ever saw Shela mad.  Not once.  Her son could drive her batty, but she never lost her cool.  She would get frustrated, aggravated and irritated but would not ever get mad or angry.  At anyone.

Her smile could open doors and hearts like no one else.  She baked and cooked like Paula Deen, was a regular Beaver's mom and always knew what you needed and when you needed it before you did.  I cannot count the number of times that she showed up or called out the blue just when I needed her with whatever I needed before anyone, including me, knew I needed it.  She was ALWAYS on time with birthday presents, unlike me.  She did not get flustered, no matter what the situation.  She loved kids.  Any kids, all kids.  She really had a heart for them.

Cooking, I know I have said it before, but if Shela was cooking, EVERYONE showed up.  She was an awesome cook.  And when you were crying, laughing, in pain, down and out or just depressed, she would whip up your favorite dish and bring it over with homemade bread.

Now, no one is here to bring me homemade bread and Half-bake.  She won't be calling me from some random store to tell me she found something I might like.  I have her bread pan.  Her damn bread pan.  And I cannot decide if I should keep it for posterity, or return it.  I know it is just a bread pan, but it a symbol of my confusion.  Jessa finally hid the darn thing from me because every time I saw it I burst into tears.

She made me a wall hanging out of Quilling.  It has a friends quote on it and it is hung prominently in our living room.  She MADE it.  Do you have any idea how long it takes to quill??  It takes forever,  And she made it for me.

But mostly, what do her husband and kids and parents and sister do now???  She hung the stars and moon for them.  I keep flashing to Kirby, my dear Lord.  He will never hold the love of his life again without remembering that he touched her and she was gone.  He found her.  How can he ever get over this?  I mean, I know he will.  He will start by reminding himself to breathe and putting one foot in front of the other...but how DO you go about doing this?  Really?

And Nathan...he is 9 and a Moma's boy.  Nathan is on the left.  Mickey is on the right.  Mickey is not her child, but he spent so much time with her, you would have thought otherwise.  Nathan is Mickey's BFF.  Nathan was so close to Shelaand he already has behavioral issues with ADHD and anger issues.  What is this going to do to him?  Losing his Mommy at this age?  And Sissy, Victoria.  She is her mother made over.  Laid back, loving, kind...looks like her, walks like her and talks like her.  At 5, how will she understand that Mommy is never coming home again?  How do you look in these eyes and say, "Mommy is not coming home ever again."  And will I ever again see this innocent smile?

I just want a do over.  I want to go back to last night and start all over.  I want to call Shela and just say, "I love you."  I want to return her damn bread pan so she can make me more!  I know, I am supposed to rejoice that she is with the Lord.  And truly, I know Shela is in a better place than you or I.  I really do.  I have no doubt in my mind.  She loved the Lord so very much.  And she lived the life and walked the walk.

The siblings together, Nathan and Sissy.

I am sorry if this is selfish.  I am sorry if this is disjointed or off the wall.  I just had to get this out there.  I am so lost and devastated.  How do I keep it together for Kirby, the kids and the family?  I do not expect answers, but prayers for this family would be awesome.  Thank you for bearing with my depression.  My world has been rocked off its axis.  And the world of so many others has too!